You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
