We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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