oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
