last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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