my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
