guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
