Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
