There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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