I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
