My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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