Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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