you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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