woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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