I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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