I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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