To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
this just has baby written all over it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
