i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
