you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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