I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
