Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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