I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
