Tell her she can't have a vagina
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
