I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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