Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
