Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
