Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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