Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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