if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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