farters have to be the big spoon...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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