Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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