He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
we're so committed to being not committed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
