toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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