the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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