No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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