What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
