im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
