Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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