You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
farters have to be the big spoon...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
