Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
