When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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