The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
