I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
