my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
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you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
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barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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