i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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