Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
