Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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