I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
