3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
