I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
