We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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