so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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