Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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