god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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