The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
