I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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