The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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