So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
