So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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