remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
