It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
