someone get that fucking seahorse.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
