My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
