mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
