Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
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Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
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I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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